It is accepted that to live in an ordered and civilised society, we need rules and regulations, laws by which we live. After all, to quote the great mage Al Murray, where would we be if we lived somewhere with no laws? That's right, France. Not all of these rules, however, are written down, some are passed through the generations by words and deeds, some are just inherent. I shall describe some for you now.
1. Thou Shalt Not Nail Thy Best Friend's Ex or Sister
This is one of the inherent ones. It's just a no-no. There is one, and only one exception - you may, with clear conscience sleep with your best friend's sister, if you were already sleeping with her before you became best friends, in other words, if you were introduced to your best friend by his sister, whom you were already making the beast with two backs with, that's fine. In all other circumstances, absolutely not. There is never any instance where it is permissible to bang your best friend's ex, regardless of how long ago they were together (please note, by 'ex' I mean someone he's gone out with for a period of time, if it's just a former FANTA (one of life's great acronyms, meaning 'F**k And Never Touch Again'), then still best avoided, but permissable.
2. Thou Shalt Not Cry at Chick Flicks
For a start, I'm going to assume that you are watching a chick flick with your other half, and even then only on the understanding that there will be a suitable naughty reward at the end of it. Anyway, yeah, don't cry. Don't get caught into the trap of thinking "it will show her how sensitive I am", your GF doesn't want that, for sensitivity she will have her female friends, or gay male friends, no, if you cry at a chick flick (yes, even Marley and Me, which I'm lead to believe was sad, not having seen it) then you are one step away from blubbing during Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, or News at Ten. No one wants a man who cries at random TV shows.
3. Toilet Etiquette At Work
Few people realise just how complex toilet etiquette at work really is. There are so many rules, guidelines, things you must do, things you must never do, it would probably take an entire blog on it's own to list them all, so I will stick with the main ones.
* Location, Location, Location
Where possible, you must always leave a cubicle between you, and any other occupant. Same for urinals. If you are first in, then you must take a cubicle/urinal at the end of the row, maximising the opportunities for gap-leaving should someone else come in, for example:
|-----|-----|-----|-----|-----|
| X | | Y | | Z |
If you are first in, you take position X. If you are second in, you take position Z, and if you are 3rd, then the only permissible position left for you is Y. Experienced toilet goes who come in to find positions X, Y and Z already filled are adept at finding ingenious ways of passing time until one of the positions becomes vacant, the true experts can make it look like the whole reason for their trip to the toilet was to check their tie was straight, pluck an imaginary stray hair from their nostrils, wash their hands, making it look like having a slash/dump, was a mere afterthought. It is acknowledged that desperate times call for desperate measures, so, if the call of nature is more of a scream, then you may assume one of the normally prohibited positions.
* Consider Others
If you are making a sizeable deposit, or if it is a particularly vicious ring-stinger, then it is the custom to employ the technique known as a 'courtesy flush' after the first 10 minutes, thus ensuring that the noxious vapours don't disturb other patrons too much.
* No Small Talk
One of the biggest faux pas one can make in a communal lavatory is to try and engage in small talk. At no point is it acceptable to conduct a conversation within the confines of the lav. If you are at the sink, washing your hands a cursory nod and monosyllabic grunt of acknowledgement will suffice. It can't be stated enough that, unless it is for reason of dire emergency, invoking any kind of communication whilst in a cubicle or even worse, standing at the urinal, is one of the most cardinal of sins.
There are only 2 exceptions to this rule. If your trip to the cubicle has been particularly virulent, and you failed to undertake your pre-dump checks and are only noticing now that you are out of paper, then it is permissible to request some, however, this must be in the form of a general request, and not explicitly directed to the adjacent cubicle. An example of what is permitted:
"Och, there's nae f**kin paper in here, someone fling me a roll ower the door, eh" (if the particular establishment you are visiting doesn't provide rolls, rather individual sheets, then you can say "... gawny goan shove some sheets under the door").
And, forbidden would be:
[knock on the cubicle wall] "Haw pal, you goat ony paper in there you can geez a shot of".
If the adjacent cubicle has an occupant (in line with the occupancy rules identified above) and he is addressed directly, if he is one who adheres to the laws of the loo, he will ignore your direct request. However, any man who is in the bog and hears a general request for paper, is obliged to reply. After all, one day, it could be you.
* Eyes Front and Centre
If you are standing at a urinal and the one next to you happens to become occupied, then you must not make anything even vaguely like eye contact with the occupant - after all, he won't want to be right beside you any more than you want him to be where he is. Find a spot on the wall, at eye level and immediately in front of you and focus upon it with a stare of such intensity that there is a risk the tiles may fracture out of sheer awkwardness.
There is never, and will never be, any excuse for casting your eyes upon any part of the physiology of your unfortunate neighbour. Even when you have finished that task in hand (so to speak!), you must shake and return the python to it's lair without casting as much as a glance anywhere other than the point on the wall which has been your focus of attention throughout. Then, when all is done, you may leave the locale of the urinal, you must turn away from your neighbour, and head straight for the sink, having picked one out and focussed upon it for the duration of the journey.
If you are stuck in the middle, and you finish first, then basically, you are screwed, it would serve you right for not adjusting the flow to do all in your power to ensure that one of your co-urinators finishes first.
* More Than 2 Shakes...
One must ensure that when shaking the old tallywhacker at the end of a shift, that one doesn't go overboard. Ideally, you want a maximum of amplitude, with a minimum of wavelength, in other words, short but vigorous! A couple of shakes should prove to be sufficient, you must be wary of being one of those who stands there for 30 seconds or more, furiously thrashing his member back and forth like he was trying to use it as a helicopter rotor. The male rule of thumb is thus - Anything more than 2 shakes, is a w*nk!
There are rules a plenty still to come, so check back for the next instalment!
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