Brad C Nesbitt... Part 2

Part 2 is a bit shorter than I anticipated. Ok, it's a lot shorter than I anticipated. Sorry. I've not really been in a writing mood today, for a couple of reasons I won't bore you with. Anyway, Brad C Nesbitt... Part II

Later that day...

 

Angelina was back in her hotel suite, trying to make sense of the contract given to her by Honest Jim.  She was struggling. "Right" she said, "I've read scripts, some didn't make sense but I knew all the words, so this can't be much different". If only she knew.

 

A transcript of the contract reads:

 

"Ahm Honest Jim, you're (pit yer ain name here)_____________. You're lookin fir a wean, and ahve gto a wheen o' them, there's aye some jakey got hersel pupped efter gettin' pummeled efter a night on the buckie, so, here's the hampden:

 

1. Nae names, nae pack drill.  You dinne bother whur the bairn comes fae, ah dinnae bother aboot whit you cry it.

2. Nae backies - when you pit yer scrawl at the bottom o' this, that's you on the hook, ye hand ower the dosh, ye bugger aff wi it, ken.

3. Ahm no a heartless c**t, so ye hiv tae promise that yer no gawny gie the we yin the malky or that, ye'll dae whits richt, eh.

4. Ah say it as ah see it, the bairn ahve telt ye aboot is descibed tae the best o mah ability, but if ah mak a baws o it, then sorry an that, but thems the breaks eh. Mind nummer 2 - ye signs the sheet, ye taks yer chance.

5. If ye happen tae have 'lost' some key 'paperwork' for the wean, likes o burth papers, maybe a cheeky wee NI number or that, then dinnae worry, ah'm sure ahl hae 'copies' in mah secure filing system. If ye need thon, it's a few bob mare like, and ah widnae touch the middle o them till the ink dries.

6. As soon as you leave teh shop, ah dinnae ken you, you dinnae ken me, aye?

7. Breach o any o the above will result in you an yours getting malkied wi a big chib. Ahm no tryin tae pit the shitters up ye, but this here is tongs land eh, and they are heartless bast... bandits when they get the nod, eh.

 

Noo, when ah tell you the wean is ready to be 'collected', ah'll tell ye where and when, it's no gonny be at the shop, fir, erm, security, ken, the bairn an that, you come alone, you leave with the bairn. You gie me the sheckels, ah gie you the bundle o joy.

 

Signed: Honest Jim     You:____________________"

 

After 40 minutes of reading and trying to figure out what the hell it all meant, Jolie gave in. 'Well, what have I got to lose, I'm a celebrity, I'm Hollywood 'a' list, nothing can go wrong'.  With a flourish, she signed the paper, and called her driver to head back to Honest Jim's.

 

When she got there, Jim was already waiting. "Awright there doll' he said, 'hoozitgaun. Thoucht ah'd see ye back here. Right, ahve fund ye a bairn, maybe a bawhair aulder than ye'd like, but he's a sound wee thing, orphan, puir wee sowel wid hae been left tae fend fir himsel had ah no found him, so seein as he's a wee bit aulder than whit ah imagine you'd be lookin' fir, ahm guessin you'd hae been wantin' wan aboot 3 or 4? Aye, he's a wee wee bit aulder than that, ken, they dinnae call me Honest Jim for nothin', so ahm bein up front wi' yeh, noo, ah cannie say ah ken just hoo auld he is, so ah'll gie ye a discoont, noo, as ye'll have seen, ahm normally lookin fir aboot 10 monkeys, bit ah'll tell ye what, 3 grand, hoos aboot that? Tell ye whit, fir the dosh, ah'll even mak sure he's got aw his papers an that, so you can drive awa wi him the night"

 

Finally, Jolie thought, a word she recognised.  £3,000 was pretty cheap she had to admit, being honest, she'd had meals which cost more, so 'hey, what the hell, nothing ventured, nothing gained'.  She summoned her assistant got the money, and handed over her signed contract. Jim's eyes lit up when he saw them.  "Ken, it's a braw thing yer doin' here doll, taking a poor we mite, and givin' him a better life. If only there wiz mare like you.  Right, 10pm the night, car park at the House of Sher"

 

"Oh, wow, I didn't know Cher had a place in Glasgow" said Jolie.  Jim looked confused. "Aye, nae bother doll, this is the address, back car park, ah'll be in a black Ford Sierra, ah'll be the only other yin in there."

 

They shook hands.  The deal was done.