Friday, 11 November 2011

The Many, and the Few

Today is Armistice day, the day when we pause to refelct the sacrifice of those who gave all for their country, and who continue to make the ultimate sacrifice to this day. Regardless of your thoughts about the legalities or ethics of the wars being fought today, one can not, and should not, cast any shadow on the dedication and bravery of those who serve.

I wrote a short poem last year, it's not much of a poem, but then I'm not much of a poet. So, dedicated to all who have worn the uniforms of our armed services, past and present...  

The Many, and the Few

We stand here in silence, to pause and reflect
To think about those who deserve our respect
Those who are still in our mind and our hearts
Long after God has called them to depart

Some of them now, passed so long ago
Their memories lie where the poppies now grow
But days do not pass, but their numbers increase
The demon of war not yet ended his feast

The young and the old, the many, the few
Those who will never more feel morning's dew
Their names now inscribed on so sacred a stone
Yet still missed and loved by those left at home

So we think of our brothers, our sisters our kin
Our mothers and fathers, our own blood and skin
We see with our hearts and feel with our tears
Their memory only enhanced by the years

We remember those too, who still here remain
Their innocence lost in that hellish domain
We tend to their wounds and we comfort their cries
And see in them strength, their pain yet defies

Now on this day, we give you our word
That your deeds and actions will always be heard
With pride and with honour we whisper your name
And promise your deeds will not be in vain

Monday, 7 November 2011

Every Home (except mine) should have one...

The following is a paid presentation by, well, me. Why? Why not. I've not written anything for a while, and I thought I'd make use of the advert I wrote trying to sell something on my work's intranet. So, sit back, hold on and prepare to be dazzled...

How often do you get the chance to own a TV star? I'll tell you how often. NOT OFTEN! Well, today is your lucky day. Thanks to a combination of a clever marketing campaign, my need for car insurance, and Compare the Market coming up with the best deal, I am now the lucky owner of a fluffy meerkat, known to his friends as Yakov, to his enemies as Yakov and to those who don't know him as "who?". 

Sadly, due to a clash of personalities, a schism has developed between Yakov and I, and one of us has to leave. Given that I pay the mortgage, I'm staying, but, all is not lost, no, for verily, it means I can now offer you the chance to own your very own, mostly house trained and only semi naked plush meerkat!

Thinking about it, it's kinda messed up that they are happy to send out a meerkat wearing a shirt, tie and waistcoat, yet utterly bereft of any lower body adornments. The little guy is taking 'going commando' to the next level. So, if the thought of sharing your home with a bare-assed meerkat makes you want to curl up in a corner, rocking back and forth saying "what has been seen, cannot be unseen", then Yakov probably isn't for you. Unless you are a dab hand at making teensy-tiny little pairs of trousers, in which case, go for it. 

So, to the nitty and, if you will, the gritty. You are probably reading this thinking "well, like everyone else in the world, I'd love to own a TV star, but he's going to cost at least hundreds, if not thousands of pounds and I work at MGt, I'd have to do a couple of hours overtime to have a spare few hundred". Fear not! For such is my generosity, I am not going to ask £1,000 for Yakov, although he is indeed worth such a sum, indeed, he is worth 10 times such a sum, but, in these austere times, I know that people are looking for a deal. So, not a grand, not £500, not even £100, no, ladies, gentlemen and all those who fall into neither camp, I am going to give you this unique opportunity to own Yakov for just £25. Let me say that in words too, just in case you didn't believe the numbers. Twenty. Five. Pounds. 

Lets look at the reasons you want to own Yakov:

  • Has the easy charm of a toymaker. 
  • Won't keep you up all night chattering like some other meerkats. 
  • Doesn't eat much, indeed, doesn't eat anything which has the added bonus of meaning he doesn't poop either! 
  • Has a shirt, tie, waistcoat and glasses. 
  • If you are a single guy, think of the chat up opportunities! "Hey baby, wanna come home and see my meerkat?" You will be beating them off with the wet end of the proverbial stick with a wet end. 
  • If you are a single girl, think of the chat up opportunities! "Hey handsome, you know, I've got a meerkat at home that would love to meet you". You will have your pick of any guy in town! 
  • If you have kids who are all like "mum/dad (delete as applicable), I want a pet, I want a pet, I want a pet", then your problems are solved! You can go home and say "yo, I got you a meerkat! How's about them apples!" 

Is there a downside to owning Yakov? Apart from the butt-nakedness, none at all!!

So, what are you waiting for. Take this opportunity to not only hown a TV star, but to own a piece of history. When the fables of this age are spoken in tones of hushed reverence, chief amongst them will be the legend of the holy meerkat Yakov, and his human family. Why pass up your chance at immortality?

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Brad C Nesbitt... Part 2

Part 2 is a bit shorter than I anticipated. Ok, it's a lot shorter than I anticipated. Sorry. I've not really been in a writing mood today, for a couple of reasons I won't bore you with. Anyway, Brad C Nesbitt... Part II

Later that day...
Angelina was back in her hotel suite, trying to make sense of the contract given to her by Honest Jim.  She was struggling. "Right" she said, "I've read scripts, some didn't make sense but I knew all the words, so this can't be much different". If only she knew.
A transcript of the contract reads:
"Ahm Honest Jim, you're (pit yer ain name here)_____________. You're lookin fir a wean, and ahve gto a wheen o' them, there's aye some jakey got hersel pupped efter gettin' pummeled efter a night on the buckie, so, here's the hampden:
1. Nae names, nae pack drill.  You dinne bother whur the bairn comes fae, ah dinnae bother aboot whit you cry it.
2. Nae backies - when you pit yer scrawl at the bottom o' this, that's you on the hook, ye hand ower the dosh, ye bugger aff wi it, ken.
3. Ahm no a heartless c**t, so ye hiv tae promise that yer no gawny gie the we yin the malky or that, ye'll dae whits richt, eh.
4. Ah say it as ah see it, the bairn ahve telt ye aboot is descibed tae the best o mah ability, but if ah mak a baws o it, then sorry an that, but thems the breaks eh. Mind nummer 2 - ye signs the sheet, ye taks yer chance.
5. If ye happen tae have 'lost' some key 'paperwork' for the wean, likes o burth papers, maybe a cheeky wee NI number or that, then dinnae worry, ah'm sure ahl hae 'copies' in mah secure filing system. If ye need thon, it's a few bob mare like, and ah widnae touch the middle o them till the ink dries.
6. As soon as you leave teh shop, ah dinnae ken you, you dinnae ken me, aye?
7. Breach o any o the above will result in you an yours getting malkied wi a big chib. Ahm no tryin tae pit the shitters up ye, but this here is tongs land eh, and they are heartless bast... bandits when they get the nod, eh.
Noo, when ah tell you the wean is ready to be 'collected', ah'll tell ye where and when, it's no gonny be at the shop, fir, erm, security, ken, the bairn an that, you come alone, you leave with the bairn. You gie me the sheckels, ah gie you the bundle o joy.
Signed: Honest Jim     You:____________________"
After 40 minutes of reading and trying to figure out what the hell it all meant, Jolie gave in. 'Well, what have I got to lose, I'm a celebrity, I'm Hollywood 'a' list, nothing can go wrong'.  With a flourish, she signed the paper, and called her driver to head back to Honest Jim's.
When she got there, Jim was already waiting. "Awright there doll' he said, 'hoozitgaun. Thoucht ah'd see ye back here. Right, ahve fund ye a bairn, maybe a bawhair aulder than ye'd like, but he's a sound wee thing, orphan, puir wee sowel wid hae been left tae fend fir himsel had ah no found him, so seein as he's a wee bit aulder than whit ah imagine you'd be lookin' fir, ahm guessin you'd hae been wantin' wan aboot 3 or 4? Aye, he's a wee wee bit aulder than that, ken, they dinnae call me Honest Jim for nothin', so ahm bein up front wi' yeh, noo, ah cannie say ah ken just hoo auld he is, so ah'll gie ye a discoont, noo, as ye'll have seen, ahm normally lookin fir aboot 10 monkeys, bit ah'll tell ye what, 3 grand, hoos aboot that? Tell ye whit, fir the dosh, ah'll even mak sure he's got aw his papers an that, so you can drive awa wi him the night"
Finally, Jolie thought, a word she recognised.  £3,000 was pretty cheap she had to admit, being honest, she'd had meals which cost more, so 'hey, what the hell, nothing ventured, nothing gained'.  She summoned her assistant got the money, and handed over her signed contract. Jim's eyes lit up when he saw them.  "Ken, it's a braw thing yer doin' here doll, taking a poor we mite, and givin' him a better life. If only there wiz mare like you.  Right, 10pm the night, car park at the House of Sher"
"Oh, wow, I didn't know Cher had a place in Glasgow" said Jolie.  Jim looked confused. "Aye, nae bother doll, this is the address, back car park, ah'll be in a black Ford Sierra, ah'll be the only other yin in there."
They shook hands.  The deal was done.