Monday, 19 December 2011

Reactions to the death of Kim Jong-il

The world awoke this morning to the shock news that North Korean dictator Glorious Leader Kim Jong-il has died. Upon hearing the news Asian stock markets were plunged into turmoil, and security councils in countries the world over were convened to figure out where this would leave the North Korean dictatorship Glorious Leadership.

It also prompted comments from leaders, politicians and celebrities across the globe. Here is what some of them had to say:

Former president, George W Bush: “When I was told that King Kong was ill in North Koreastan, I almost dropped my cheeseburger. I said to Laura, 'honey, did I send a giant gorilla overseas at any point? I don't remember it, but there was that night at Mel Gibson's party, we all got a bit wasted, and you never know...'. Laura said I didn't, and that's good enough for me. Now, watch this putt”

Herman Cain: “At no point did I ever make any inappropriate suggestions or physical contact with any North Korean dictators. Just ask all the other millions of North Koreans, they'll back me up, they know I'm a standup kinda guy.”

Standing beside Mr Cain, former president Bill Clinton: "I did not have sexual realations with that dictator. Mr Jong-il. Umm, if anyone finds any stains on his shirt, it wasn't me, and ummm, you won't find any cigars lying around. Covered in lube. No siree, none at all... Ummmm... I need to make a couple of calls real quick..."

Rick Perry: “The North Korean dude died? Man, that's too bad. What was his name again... Kim.... ummmmm... the second part was Jong... I don't remember the third part of his name. Is it Kim Jong-EPA?”

Michelle Bachman: “With the death of Kim Jong-II, and the assumption of his son, Kim Jong-III we need to make sure that the conservatives of America join together to make sure that Kim Jong the 3rd doesn't allow same sex marriages, but that all North Koreans have the choice to select whatever light bulb they want.”

Former Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin: “Who?”

Mayor of London, Boris Johnston: “Well, obviously, erm, yes, the Koreans will be, well, indeed, there's a fly buzzing around in here, anyway, yes, Korea, well, what can I say, erm, as Mayor of London I need of course, to make sure that the Olympics are the best ever, and obviously, the beans of choice would be Heinz baked beans, but what was I talking about? Oh, yes, well, Korea, yes, the, erm, man, erm, leader type, Kim... Kim... ummmm, Kim.... Kardashian-il that's the man, yes, well, obviously, he's under a great deal of... oh, he died, well, that's a completely different kettle of fish”

Jeremy Kyle: “Today on my show, 'I am Kim Jong-il's illegitimate love child'. Join us as we try and get DNA samples of the late dictator to see if 15 year old Chantelle, 14 year old Chardonnay and 13 year old Babushka are the result of 3 secret laisons between Kim Jong-il and their mother, Tracy from Essex”

Glenn Beck: “It's no shock to me that Kim Jong-il is dead, after all, the democrats were out to get him just because he was clearly republican – look at the facts, he was a proponent of small government, i.e., just him, you can't get much smaller than that. Besides, Bill O'Reilly once told me that Kim Jong-il once watched one of his holiness St Ronald of Regan's movies. You can't argue with that. What really grinds my gears though is that the liberals will say “Oh, Obamacare would have saved him”. Really? Let's look at the facts, Obamacare costs money, that money could have been better spent by the states, not by the federal government, so the tea party could have decided that (we apologise to our readers, but at this point Mr Beck started foaming at the mouth, and whilst we are used to him not making any sense, we couldn't actually work out what he was saying here, other than the occasional “buy my book, it's all in there”)

Speaking from the local lunatic asylum, Mel Gibson: "He got what he deserved for going out looking like a f**king SLUT! And, you know who killed him. It was the Jews. It's all their fault. That's why no one watches my movies any more, Kim Jong-il said that all my movies were great."  (Mr Gibson did try to say more, but he was dragged back into his cell room by his 'helpers'.)

David Hasselhof: "You can thank me later. Just sit back and watch the power of my music unify the two Koreas, just as it did for Germany back in the day."

South Korean president, Lee Myung-bak: “Balls. Apparently his son is just as batshit tonto as he was. Ain't that a pisser.”

North Korean government spokesman: “We are sad today to mourn the death of our beloved leader, our inspiration and our sole reason for being, Kim Jong-il. He died after playing a round of golf, where he scored a hole in one on every hole, indeed, such was his golfing ability that he managed to play a full 18 holes in just 17 shots once. That's how good he was. Sadly, he was taken from us before his time as he was single handedly beating Godzilla, Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, the 1975 Philadelphia Flyers, Hulk Hogan, Muhammed Ali, Jesus, Buddha, Vladimir Putin, the ghost of Jack the Ripper and Chuck Norris at every sport known to man, including team sports, on his own, whilst at the same time proving that he, and only he could in fact, travel faster than light, and using the tip of his penis to crush diamonds, proving that they are not, after all, the hardest substance on earth, if ya know what I'm saying, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Our glorious leader is has already taken over all heavens, and God, Apollo, Zeus, Allah, Zoroaster and all other deities now report to him. Never again will the world see a man such as him. What? His son? Shit. Yeah. Ok, Apart from his son, our new glorious leader, the world will never again see someone such as him, who was able to beat any man, machine or beast at chess, who could solve a rubiks cube in under .05 of a second, just by looking at it, who was the 9 times winner of the Tour de France (the only reason you are just finding that out is because your pathetic western press wouldn't publish the TRUTH! Apart from Fox News. Those guys are ok), who solved AIDS and cancer, neither of which exist in the glorious land of North Korea.

The legend that is Kim Jong-il will live eternally, not even death will hold him, for even from the afterlife he will continue to awe and inspire, as he has already announced that from beyond the grave, he has written the best opera ever, his latest novel “Why the Earth is Shit Without Me” is only not being published because when people read it, they will be so overawed by his majestic grasp of literature, that they would kill themselves out of despair at the knowledge that they will never be even one millionth as much of the man that he was, and indeed, still is. Even dead, Kim Jong-il is still more of a man than the rest of the human race put together.”