Wednesday, 4 January 2012

The View From Afar...

2012 is a General Election year for my friends in the US, and the process has kicked off following the Iowa Caucus as the Republicans try and find someone to take on President Obama.  I thought I would take a look at the Republican crackpo... erm... candidates.

Mitt Romney
Plus points: Did well in turning round a failing 2002 Olympic Games in Salt Lake, despite being called 'Mitt'. A Successful businessman, despite being called 'Mitt'.  Is somehow managing to turn a history of political and idealogical 'flip-flopping' into a virtue. Despite being called 'Mitt'.

Minus points: He's called Mitt, for **** sake! And that's not even his first name!! How bad must he think his given name is (which, for those who don't know, is Willard - thus actually making it a choice of the lesser of two, very equal, evils!). Can you imagine it? Kim Jong-un is sitting on his throne of skulls as his flunky comes to tell him who the new American President is. "His name is Romney, dear leader, Mitt Romney".

"Are you straight up shitting me? The new president is named after a baseball glove? Whose the vice president, Jockstrap Murphy?"

Rick Santorum
Plus points: Has a surname which sounds like a Metallica song.

Minus points: He's a ****ing whackjob! He doesn't believe in the right to privacy, has described contraception as "a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be." In 2008 he said that Sarah Palin was a step in the right direction! Like I said, grade A nutter! oh, and a 'santorum' is apparently a mix of lube and poo, as a result of paying your lover a visit around the tradesman's entrance. I'm not making this up, Google 'santorum'. Go. Do it. 

Ron Paul
Plus points: Sounds like he should be a porn star. Has experience of a presidential campaign, although that was in the last century! Is against torture. It's a bit sad that it has to be explressely noted that one of the candidates is against that. 

Minus points: Is old. I mean WAY old. When he was a kid the Dead Sea was only sick.  Not a fan of black people, which could be a problem if you are president. For example, the Ron Paul Newsletters contained such gems as an assertion that 95% of black males in Washington were "semi-criminal or criminal", and that "boy, it sure burns me to have a national holiday for Martin Luther King. I voted against this outrage time and again as a Congressman".  Oh, and he's not a fan of the gay community either, thinking that "homosexuals, not speaking for the rest of society, were far better off when social pressure forced them to hide their activities". I'm guessing he doesn't have any Erasure records then.

Newt Gingrich
Plus points: Wait a second. Newt? Bwaaaahahahahaha. I though Mitt was bad! Newton actually isn't that bad a name, but this guy chooses to call himself Newt? And he wants to convince people that he has the sound judgement to run the country?? Sorry, I got carried away there. So, plus points. Ummm... married 3 times, so I'm guessing he likes wedding cake? Because he obviously has nothing but respect for the sanctity of marriage...

Minus points: I don't want to harp on, but he CHOOSES to be called Newt! His judgement in anything else ever, under the sun, in the history of the planet, is invalid!

Rick Perry
Plus points: Will give 'being Rickrolled' a whole new meaning. Isn't George Bush. Kind of says it all when not being W actually makes it into a list of positives for someone. Not a fan of Federal government. Unless it's something he agrees with. So, he's a flip-flopper, which makes it a negative. So, yep, not being GWB is about as good as it gets!

Minus points: Thinks being gay is like being alcoholic. It's an interesting viewpoint. Interesting in the "are you on some kind of drugs, you moron" way. A bit like his tax plans, which were, basically, "yeah, here, pick some options on how you want to pay your tax. If you are poor, you are screwed either way, but I don't care".  What a winner.

As I am writing this, I hear that John Huntsman (who?) and Michelle Bachmann (lets be honest, people would only ever have wanted her to win if she was able to find a vice president called Jim Turner-Overdrive) have withdrawn. Satirists the country over are currently crying into their rum!