King of the Hills...

Wow. Two posts in two days, my, aren't you lot lucky!!

Fife's answer to
Dempsey and Makepeace

As anyone who read my blog from a couple of days ago, or saw my Facebook post, will know, Stage 3.5 of the grand tour of Fife took place last night. Ian and I, joined for this leg by his better half, commenced our walk from the finishing point of the previous jaunt, Limekilns, and wound our way through Rosyth, ending up in North Queensferry.  The tale of the tape for this leg is....

Distance: 5.25 miles

Time: 1hr 41min 3sec

Number of Blisters: 1 (right foot, I must not have got my Compeed plaster in just the right place!)

Physical Condition at the End: Wrecked!

Limkilns Harbour

Despite a nice starting point, this was easily the least scenic section of our walk thus far, taking in, as it did, a large part of Rosyth. It was also the part of the coastal path which seemed to be lacking in coast. From the point we turned away from Limekilns, right until we were through Rosyth, the coast seemed like a distant memory. 

HMS Invincible - with
Ski Jump

Rosyth itself is, and I'm sorry if any Rosythians are reading this, a bit of a dump.  It's very industrial, dominated as it is by Rosyth Dockyard, currently home for the under construction HMS Queen Elizabeth, the first of the Queen Elizabeth class aircraft carrier, which, upon completion, will be the largest ships ever constructed for the Royal Navy. 

These vessels have been in the news recently due to governmental flip-flopping (what a surprise huh!) on the aircraft which will be used on them.  British aircraft carriers have often been associated with STOVL (Short Take Off, Vertical Landing) aircraft, such as the legendary Harrier jump jet (one of my 3 favourite military planes of all time, along with the Spitfire (of course) and the Avro Vulcan), part of having an effective STOVL capability involves having a 'ski jump', a perky little upturn at the end of the runway deck (as seeon on HMS Invincible here). Originally, the government decided to keep with this approach, and buy Lockheed Martin F-35 Lightning II, variant B fighters, which are STOVL and can operate from a ski jump. Along comes a new government and says, "well, actually, no, we are in charge now and we are going to go with F-35 C aircraft, which need CATOBAR (Catapult Assisted Take Off Barrier Arrested Recovery) capabilities, so we are going to have to piss millions of pounds against the wall, redesigning one of the most fundamental aspects of the ship.  Fast forward a year or so, factor in a delay to the development of F-35 C, and the government has now said "ummmm, yeah, don' t really know how to put this, but we may have just made a bit of an arse of ourselves, and we are going to go with what the previous government ordered in the first place. Yeah, and it's going to cosr about an extra £100 Million. Sorry about that". Arseholes.

But anyway, I digress from the walking. I'm guessing that anyone actually reading this must have loved Lord of the Rings, and all the walking which took place there. As I said, we actually spent very little time on the coast, which was disappointing.  This was my least favourite part of the walk so far, and one of the most punishing, although the two aspects aren't actually related. Ian's other half Lesley-Ann is a trained PT Instructor, and take it from me, she doesn't mind cracking the whip. If I'm being honest though, it's what I need. Left to my own devices I'd probably amble along, and take an extra half hour or more to complete the journey. No chance of that happening with LA on the case, and I have to say, I am extremely grateful for that. Both she and Ian are giving me a lot of support, encouragement and the kick up the jacksey when needed. That I am now the lightest (well, least leviathan) I've been for the best part of a decade is a testament to the help they have given me, so I would like to take a small moment to say publicly that I very much appreciate their support, and guidance. 

Big-gut and the Hendersons

It was, to mix a metaphor, a walk of 3 halves. The start, Limekilns was, as I've mentioned, really nice, the middle, Rosyth, was very much the opposite, and the end, which came atop a hill I thought was never going to end, was also, really nice. I am going to break the habits of a lifetime and voluntarily display an image featuring my awful countenance.  North Queensferry, our ending point, is another lovely part of Fife, there are some really nice houses with spectacular views of the bridges and the Forth. You'd need to win the lottery to afford one though!

Whilst this walk was something of a torture, at one point I'd have happily confessed to anything, the abduction of Shergar, that I was Lord Lucan, that it was me on the grassy knoll, the sense of relief, mixed with achievement at it's end makes it all worthwhile. It's that, the support from my great friends, and the fact that I am actually seeing results on the scales which is keeping me at it, to the point where I tortured myself playing squash this morning and afterwards, planned the next phase of the walk.  I already have plans in my head for the next grand tour after the Tour de Fife is over. 

Stay tuned, and one day I might just tell you what those plans are!

Guess Who's Back...

Hello, friends.  It's been a while, I bet you thought this ole blog of mine was dead and gone.  It almost was, but I've decided I'm going to keep on running, as someone once said in a song. I think it was the Spencer Davis Group, but I'm not 100% sure.

I know it's been a long time since I wrote anything here. No idea why, I guess I partly didn't have much to say, partly I always seemed to be doing something else, and partly... yeah, partly no idea. But, if nothing else, it gives me a backlog of ideas to work through!

Kincardine Bridge

So, what's been happening this year. Actually not much, other than I've started on a new fitness programme and diet. Again. Only this time, I'm determined to make it stick. Aided by my best friend Ian and his other half, I'm going to be spending time walking along the Fife Coastal Path.  Now, given that I'm the size of a small Eastern European country, this isn't going to be easy. A fact proved to me on the first leg of the walk, which was...

Stage 1

Stage 1 took us from the Clackmannanshire side of the Kincardine Bridge, to the fairly quaint little village of Culross (pronounced Koo-riss).  I know some of you are fond of details, well, never let it be said that I wasn't one to give you all the stats and details you may have wanted! So, leg one was:

Distance: a shade over 5 miles.
Time: about  1hr 45min.
Blisters: 2 massive ones.
Degree of Pain: On a par with stepping on a lego brick. Constantly. For almost 2 hours.
Ability to walk normally the next day: Impaired

A street in Culross

Culross itself is a picturesque little place, although I couldn't be persuaded to live there. It is pretty much in the middle of nowhere, and the vast majority of the houses there are listed buildings.  Many years ago, I worked with someone who had a house in Culross, and found myself subject to her daily litany of gripes about Historic Scotland (or whatever body was covering listed buildings at the time), who had to be consulted  for pretty much everything, from wanting to upgrade the windows, making any structural changes inside, down to prescribing the colour the walls outside had to be painted, and many many more. Like most little villages around Fife, there's not really much there, a shop, a pub and a castle. Actually, when you think about it, it's pretty cool that having a castle is more or less the norm in Scotland. We do like a good castle here and there, Fife having a fair few, in varying stages of decay. Some, like St Andrews Castle, Rosyth Castle,
Ballanbriech Castle and the like, are ruins, whilst others, like Pitrievie Castle (now converted into apartments), Falkland Palace, Fernie Castle (now a hotel) are intact. Fife has (or has had) 36 castles within it's borders, alongside a few palaces here and there, like the famous, but now sadly ruined, Dunfermline Palace, birthplace and home of various Scottish Kings.  Actually, as we traverse our way through the Kingdom, I should see how many castles, palaces and old churches we pass, and take some pictures.

So ended the first leg of the coastal marathon. I'd like to say I enjoyed it, but I really didn't. Had I not developed blisters from Hell within the first mile and a half, I dare say I would have been happier, but I learned a very valuable lesson from stage 1.  Of course, as I'm dumber than a box of frogs, I failed to heed said lesson, so in stage 1.5 (which apparently, according to Ian, doesn't count toward the grand walk as it was a) done out of sequence, and b) was done with his better half), which was about 6 or so miles between Kirkcaldy and Aberdour (and will be reported in more depth later on), the parts of my feet which weren't blistered from stage 1 made up for it. Still, I did actually take on board the feedback my poor tootsies gave me, and invested in Compeed plasters, and walking socks. Suitably armed, I was ready for...

Stage 2

Starting where we left off on stage 1, we perambulated our way from Culross to another vaguely picturesque part of the land, namely Limekilns. Don't let the name put you off, it's actually quite nice there. For this leg of the walk, I'd actually installed an app on my phone which used a combination of GPS and mast triangulation to plot our progress, and give us actual data, rather than guesswork! So, the facts and figures from stage 2 are:

Distance: 7.75 miles

Limekilns

Time: 2 hours 38min 10sec
Blisters: None! Yippee!!
Pain: Whilst walking, not too bad, more just tiredness, but after we stopped at the end, when I tried to get moving again, yeah, that wasn't fun!
Ability to walk without looking like a penguin with a rod stuck up his arse the next day: None at all. 

This leg started off quite well, we crossed the train tracks at Culross to join the path, and walked our way along the coastal path, past Valleyfield (one of the original one-horse towns - and even then they stole the horse from somewhere else), pat Torryburn (where Ian used to live), and then making a little jaunt a bit further inland up to Crombie, following the A985 until we cut back down to Charlestown (surprisingly, there were no dancers. I was disappointed), and then on down the Promenade, to our finishing point, which was, by some strange co-incidence, the Ship Inn public house. Who would have thought it! The irony of it is, when we got there, we each had a coffee. Not a drop of the demon alcohol touched our parched lips!

As I mentioned, the start of this walk was much better.  It took a mile or two for my perennial backache to abate (it's one of the side effects of being the size of a fully grown hippo, sadly), once that happaned, the part of the walk between Torryburn and the start of Ordinance Road, which is where we turned inland (and uphill!) was really quite enjoyable. Then, I hit the walking equivalent of the wall. Or in my case, the hill would be a better analogy. I don't know if it was psychosomatic, but when we turned away from the coast, the walk seemed to get harder, and not just because of the incline, when we reached the top of the hill at Crombie, even the downhill part wasn't fun.  By the time we hit Charlestown, I was really not enjoying myself, the last mile and a half or so really wasn't fun, even Ian admitted that he wasn't really having much of a good time by then. However, we made it to the end, rewarded ourselves with a coffee, and then I went home to collapse into a broken heap.

Charlestown and Limekilns themselves are nice enough, although Limekilns is significantly older than it's next door neighbor.

Charlestown

The 'Charles' in Charlestown was Charles Bruce, 5th Earl of Elgin who not only named the village after himself when he founded it, but decreed that the village be mapped out in the shape of the letter 'E', for Elgin. It's most recent (relatively speaking) claim to fame comes from the end of WWI, when the small shipyard which existed in the village at the time was used to break some of the vessels of the German Imperial Fleet, which were brought down from Scapa Flow in the Orkneys. Ironically, Charlestown, and not Limekilns, is the home of the Scottish Lime Centre Trust (which we walked past on our way).

Our finishing point of Limekilns can trace it's provenance back to the 14th century.  The oldest datable building in the town is the King's Cellar, which was built in 1362. Currently, it's a Masonic Lodge, of all things!  Back in the days of yore, Limekilns was a busy little fishing and soapmaking village, these days, however, it's a sleepy little residential area, popular due to it's closeness to Dunfermline and the Forth Road Bridge.

So, dear readers, it's time to leave you on a cliffhanger - tonight sees the 3rd leg of our walktacular extravaganza - Limekilns to North Queensferry. Will our heroes make it unscathed, or with they be find themselves transported to a mirror universe.

Stay tuned to find out!

The View From Afar...

2012 is a General Election year for my friends in the US, and the process has kicked off following the Iowa Caucus as the Republicans try and find someone to take on President Obama.  I thought I would take a look at the Republican crackpo... erm... candidates.


Mitt Romney
Plus points: Did well in turning round a failing 2002 Olympic Games in Salt Lake, despite being called 'Mitt'. A Successful businessman, despite being called 'Mitt'.  Is somehow managing to turn a history of political and idealogical 'flip-flopping' into a virtue. Despite being called 'Mitt'.


Minus points: He's called Mitt, for **** sake! And that's not even his first name!! How bad must he think his given name is (which, for those who don't know, is Willard - thus actually making it a choice of the lesser of two, very equal, evils!). Can you imagine it? Kim Jong-un is sitting on his throne of skulls as his flunky comes to tell him who the new American President is. "His name is Romney, dear leader, Mitt Romney".


"Are you straight up shitting me? The new president is named after a baseball glove? Whose the vice president, Jockstrap Murphy?"


Rick Santorum
Plus points: Has a surname which sounds like a Metallica song.


Minus points: He's a ****ing whackjob! He doesn't believe in the right to privacy, has described contraception as "a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be." In 2008 he said that Sarah Palin was a step in the right direction! Like I said, grade A nutter! oh, and a 'santorum' is apparently a mix of lube and poo, as a result of paying your lover a visit around the tradesman's entrance. I'm not making this up, Google 'santorum'. Go. Do it. 


Ron Paul
Plus points: Sounds like he should be a porn star. Has experience of a presidential campaign, although that was in the last century! Is against torture. It's a bit sad that it has to be explressely noted that one of the candidates is against that. 


Minus points: Is old. I mean WAY old. When he was a kid the Dead Sea was only sick.  Not a fan of black people, which could be a problem if you are president. For example, the Ron Paul Newsletters contained such gems as an assertion that 95% of black males in Washington were "semi-criminal or criminal", and that "boy, it sure burns me to have a national holiday for Martin Luther King. I voted against this outrage time and again as a Congressman".  Oh, and he's not a fan of the gay community either, thinking that "homosexuals, not speaking for the rest of society, were far better off when social pressure forced them to hide their activities". I'm guessing he doesn't have any Erasure records then.


Newt Gingrich
Plus points: Wait a second. Newt? Bwaaaahahahahaha. I though Mitt was bad! Newton actually isn't that bad a name, but this guy chooses to call himself Newt? And he wants to convince people that he has the sound judgement to run the country?? Sorry, I got carried away there. So, plus points. Ummm... married 3 times, so I'm guessing he likes wedding cake? Because he obviously has nothing but respect for the sanctity of marriage...


Minus points: I don't want to harp on, but he CHOOSES to be called Newt! His judgement in anything else ever, under the sun, in the history of the planet, is invalid!


Rick Perry
Plus points: Will give 'being Rickrolled' a whole new meaning. Isn't George Bush. Kind of says it all when not being W actually makes it into a list of positives for someone. Not a fan of Federal government. Unless it's something he agrees with. So, he's a flip-flopper, which makes it a negative. So, yep, not being GWB is about as good as it gets!


Minus points: Thinks being gay is like being alcoholic. It's an interesting viewpoint. Interesting in the "are you on some kind of drugs, you moron" way. A bit like his tax plans, which were, basically, "yeah, here, pick some options on how you want to pay your tax. If you are poor, you are screwed either way, but I don't care".  What a winner.


As I am writing this, I hear that John Huntsman (who?) and Michelle Bachmann (lets be honest, people would only ever have wanted her to win if she was able to find a vice president called Jim Turner-Overdrive) have withdrawn. Satirists the country over are currently crying into their rum!

Reactions to the death of Kim Jong-il

The world awoke this morning to the shock news that North Korean dictator Glorious Leader Kim Jong-il has died. Upon hearing the news Asian stock markets were plunged into turmoil, and security councils in countries the world over were convened to figure out where this would leave the North Korean dictatorship Glorious Leadership.

It also prompted comments from leaders, politicians and celebrities across the globe. Here is what some of them had to say:

Former president, George W Bush: “When I was told that King Kong was ill in North Koreastan, I almost dropped my cheeseburger. I said to Laura, 'honey, did I send a giant gorilla overseas at any point? I don't remember it, but there was that night at Mel Gibson's party, we all got a bit wasted, and you never know...'. Laura said I didn't, and that's good enough for me. Now, watch this putt”

Herman Cain: “At no point did I ever make any inappropriate suggestions or physical contact with any North Korean dictators. Just ask all the other millions of North Koreans, they'll back me up, they know I'm a standup kinda guy.”

Standing beside Mr Cain, former president Bill Clinton: "I did not have sexual realations with that dictator. Mr Jong-il. Umm, if anyone finds any stains on his shirt, it wasn't me, and ummm, you won't find any cigars lying around. Covered in lube. No siree, none at all... Ummmm... I need to make a couple of calls real quick..."

Rick Perry: “The North Korean dude died? Man, that's too bad. What was his name again... Kim.... ummmmm... the second part was Jong... I don't remember the third part of his name. Is it Kim Jong-EPA?”

Michelle Bachman: “With the death of Kim Jong-II, and the assumption of his son, Kim Jong-III we need to make sure that the conservatives of America join together to make sure that Kim Jong the 3^rd doesn't allow same sex marriages, but that all North Koreans have the choice to select whatever light bulb they want.”

Former Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin: “Who?”

Mayor of London, Boris Johnston: “Well, obviously, erm, yes, the Koreans will be, well, indeed, there's a fly buzzing around in here, anyway, yes, Korea, well, what can I say, erm, as Mayor of London I need of course, to make sure that the Olympics are the best ever, and obviously, the beans of choice would be Heinz baked beans, but what was I talking about? Oh, yes, well, Korea, yes, the, erm, man, erm, leader type, Kim... Kim... ummmm, Kim.... Kardashian-il that's the man, yes, well, obviously, he's under a great deal of... oh, he died, well, that's a completely different kettle of fish”

Jeremy Kyle: “Today on my show, 'I am Kim Jong-il's illegitimate love child'. Join us as we try and get DNA samples of the late dictator to see if 15 year old Chantelle, 14 year old Chardonnay and 13 year old Babushka are the result of 3 secret laisons between Kim Jong-il and their mother, Tracy from Essex”

Glenn Beck: “It's no shock to me that Kim Jong-il is dead, after all, the democrats were out to get him just because he was clearly republican – look at the facts, he was a proponent of small government, i.e., just him, you can't get much smaller than that. Besides, Bill O'Reilly once told me that Kim Jong-il once watched one of his holiness St Ronald of Regan's movies. You can't argue with that. What really grinds my gears though is that the liberals will say “Oh, Obamacare would have saved him”. Really? Let's look at the facts, Obamacare costs money, that money could have been better spent by the states, not by the federal government, so the tea party could have decided that (we apologise to our readers, but at this point Mr Beck started foaming at the mouth, and whilst we are used to him not making any sense, we couldn't actually work out what he was saying here, other than the occasional “buy my book, it's all in there”)

Speaking from the local lunatic asylum, Mel Gibson: "He got what he deserved for going out looking like a f**king SLUT! And, you know who killed him. It was the Jews. It's all their fault. That's why no one watches my movies any more, Kim Jong-il said that all my movies were great."  (Mr Gibson did try to say more, but he was dragged back into his cell room by his 'helpers'.)

David Hasselhof: "You can thank me later. Just sit back and watch the power of my music unify the two Koreas, just as it did for Germany back in the day."

South Korean president, Lee Myung-bak: “Balls. Apparently his son is just as batshit tonto as he was. Ain't that a pisser.”

North Korean government spokesman: “We are sad today to mourn the death of our beloved leader, our inspiration and our sole reason for being, Kim Jong-il. He died after playing a round of golf, where he scored a hole in one on every hole, indeed, such was his golfing ability that he managed to play a full 18 holes in just 17 shots once. That's how good he was. Sadly, he was taken from us before his time as he was single handedly beating Godzilla, Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, the 1975 Philadelphia Flyers, Hulk Hogan, Muhammed Ali, Jesus, Buddha, Vladimir Putin, the ghost of Jack the Ripper and Chuck Norris at every sport known to man, including team sports, on his own, whilst at the same time proving that he, and only he could in fact, travel faster than light, and using the tip of his penis to crush diamonds, proving that they are not, after all, the hardest substance on earth, if ya know what I'm saying, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Our glorious leader is has already taken over all heavens, and God, Apollo, Zeus, Allah, Zoroaster and all other deities now report to him. Never again will the world see a man such as him. What? His son? Shit. Yeah. Ok, Apart from his son, our new glorious leader, the world will never again see someone such as him, who was able to beat any man, machine or beast at chess, who could solve a rubiks cube in under .05 of a second, just by looking at it, who was the 9 times winner of the Tour de France (the only reason you are just finding that out is because your pathetic western press wouldn't publish the TRUTH! Apart from Fox News. Those guys are ok), who solved AIDS and cancer, neither of which exist in the glorious land of North Korea.

The legend that is Kim Jong-il will live eternally, not even death will hold him, for even from the afterlife he will continue to awe and inspire, as he has already announced that from beyond the grave, he has written the best opera ever, his latest novel “Why the Earth is Shit Without Me” is only not being published because when people read it, they will be so overawed by his majestic grasp of literature, that they would kill themselves out of despair at the knowledge that they will never be even one millionth as much of the man that he was, and indeed, still is. Even dead, Kim Jong-il is still more of a man than the rest of the human race put together.”

The Many, and the Few

Today is Armistice day, the day when we pause to refelct the sacrifice of those who gave all for their country, and who continue to make the ultimate sacrifice to this day. Regardless of your thoughts about the legalities or ethics of the wars being fought today, one can not, and should not, cast any shadow on the dedication and bravery of those who serve.

I wrote a short poem last year, it's not much of a poem, but then I'm not much of a poet. So, dedicated to all who have worn the uniforms of our armed services, past and present...  


The Many, and the Few

We stand here in silence, to pause and reflect
To think about those who deserve our respect
Those who are still in our mind and our hearts
Long after God has called them to depart

Some of them now, passed so long ago
Their memories lie where the poppies now grow
But days do not pass, but their numbers increase
The demon of war not yet ended his feast

The young and the old, the many, the few
Those who will never more feel morning's dew
Their names now inscribed on so sacred a stone
Yet still missed and loved by those left at home

So we think of our brothers, our sisters our kin
Our mothers and fathers, our own blood and skin
We see with our hearts and feel with our tears
Their memory only enhanced by the years

We remember those too, who still here remain
Their innocence lost in that hellish domain
We tend to their wounds and we comfort their cries
And see in them strength, their pain yet defies

Now on this day, we give you our word
That your deeds and actions will always be heard
With pride and with honour we whisper your name
And promise your deeds will not be in vain

Every Home (except mine) should have one...

The following is a paid presentation by, well, me. Why? Why not. I've not written anything for a while, and I thought I'd make use of the advert I wrote trying to sell something on my work's intranet. So, sit back, hold on and prepare to be dazzled...


How often do you get the chance to own a TV star? I'll tell you how often. NOT OFTEN! Well, today is your lucky day. Thanks to a combination of a clever marketing campaign, my need for car insurance, and Compare the Market coming up with the best deal, I am now the lucky owner of a fluffy meerkat, known to his friends as Yakov, to his enemies as Yakov and to those who don't know him as "who?". 


Sadly, due to a clash of personalities, a schism has developed between Yakov and I, and one of us has to leave. Given that I pay the mortgage, I'm staying, but, all is not lost, no, for verily, it means I can now offer you the chance to own your very own, mostly house trained and only semi naked plush meerkat!


Thinking about it, it's kinda messed up that they are happy to send out a meerkat wearing a shirt, tie and waistcoat, yet utterly bereft of any lower body adornments. The little guy is taking 'going commando' to the next level. So, if the thought of sharing your home with a bare-assed meerkat makes you want to curl up in a corner, rocking back and forth saying "what has been seen, cannot be unseen", then Yakov probably isn't for you. Unless you are a dab hand at making teensy-tiny little pairs of trousers, in which case, go for it. 


So, to the nitty and, if you will, the gritty. You are probably reading this thinking "well, like everyone else in the world, I'd love to own a TV star, but he's going to cost at least hundreds, if not thousands of pounds and I work at MGt, I'd have to do a couple of hours overtime to have a spare few hundred". Fear not! For such is my generosity, I am not going to ask £1,000 for Yakov, although he is indeed worth such a sum, indeed, he is worth 10 times such a sum, but, in these austere times, I know that people are looking for a deal. So, not a grand, not £500, not even £100, no, ladies, gentlemen and all those who fall into neither camp, I am going to give you this unique opportunity to own Yakov for just £25. Let me say that in words too, just in case you didn't believe the numbers. Twenty. Five. Pounds. 


Lets look at the reasons you want to own Yakov:

• Has the easy charm of a toymaker. 
• Won't keep you up all night chattering like some other meerkats. 
• Doesn't eat much, indeed, doesn't eat anything which has the added bonus of meaning he doesn't poop either! 
• Has a shirt, tie, waistcoat and glasses. 
• If you are a single guy, think of the chat up opportunities! "Hey baby, wanna come home and see my meerkat?" You will be beating them off with the wet end of the proverbial stick with a wet end. 
• If you are a single girl, think of the chat up opportunities! "Hey handsome, you know, I've got a meerkat at home that would love to meet you". You will have your pick of any guy in town! 
• If you have kids who are all like "mum/dad (delete as applicable), I want a pet, I want a pet, I want a pet", then your problems are solved! You can go home and say "yo, I got you a meerkat! How's about them apples!" 

Is there a downside to owning Yakov? Apart from the butt-nakedness, none at all!!


So, what are you waiting for. Take this opportunity to not only hown a TV star, but to own a piece of history. When the fables of this age are spoken in tones of hushed reverence, chief amongst them will be the legend of the holy meerkat Yakov, and his human family. Why pass up your chance at immortality?

Brad C Nesbitt... Part 2

Part 2 is a bit shorter than I anticipated. Ok, it's a lot shorter than I anticipated. Sorry. I've not really been in a writing mood today, for a couple of reasons I won't bore you with. Anyway, Brad C Nesbitt... Part II

Later that day...

 

Angelina was back in her hotel suite, trying to make sense of the contract given to her by Honest Jim.  She was struggling. "Right" she said, "I've read scripts, some didn't make sense but I knew all the words, so this can't be much different". If only she knew.

 

A transcript of the contract reads:

 

"Ahm Honest Jim, you're (pit yer ain name here)_____________. You're lookin fir a wean, and ahve gto a wheen o' them, there's aye some jakey got hersel pupped efter gettin' pummeled efter a night on the buckie, so, here's the hampden:

 

1. Nae names, nae pack drill.  You dinne bother whur the bairn comes fae, ah dinnae bother aboot whit you cry it.

2. Nae backies - when you pit yer scrawl at the bottom o' this, that's you on the hook, ye hand ower the dosh, ye bugger aff wi it, ken.

3. Ahm no a heartless c**t, so ye hiv tae promise that yer no gawny gie the we yin the malky or that, ye'll dae whits richt, eh.

4. Ah say it as ah see it, the bairn ahve telt ye aboot is descibed tae the best o mah ability, but if ah mak a baws o it, then sorry an that, but thems the breaks eh. Mind nummer 2 - ye signs the sheet, ye taks yer chance.

5. If ye happen tae have 'lost' some key 'paperwork' for the wean, likes o burth papers, maybe a cheeky wee NI number or that, then dinnae worry, ah'm sure ahl hae 'copies' in mah secure filing system. If ye need thon, it's a few bob mare like, and ah widnae touch the middle o them till the ink dries.

6. As soon as you leave teh shop, ah dinnae ken you, you dinnae ken me, aye?

7. Breach o any o the above will result in you an yours getting malkied wi a big chib. Ahm no tryin tae pit the shitters up ye, but this here is tongs land eh, and they are heartless bast... bandits when they get the nod, eh.

 

Noo, when ah tell you the wean is ready to be 'collected', ah'll tell ye where and when, it's no gonny be at the shop, fir, erm, security, ken, the bairn an that, you come alone, you leave with the bairn. You gie me the sheckels, ah gie you the bundle o joy.

 

Signed: Honest Jim     You:____________________"

 

After 40 minutes of reading and trying to figure out what the hell it all meant, Jolie gave in. 'Well, what have I got to lose, I'm a celebrity, I'm Hollywood 'a' list, nothing can go wrong'.  With a flourish, she signed the paper, and called her driver to head back to Honest Jim's.

 

When she got there, Jim was already waiting. "Awright there doll' he said, 'hoozitgaun. Thoucht ah'd see ye back here. Right, ahve fund ye a bairn, maybe a bawhair aulder than ye'd like, but he's a sound wee thing, orphan, puir wee sowel wid hae been left tae fend fir himsel had ah no found him, so seein as he's a wee bit aulder than whit ah imagine you'd be lookin' fir, ahm guessin you'd hae been wantin' wan aboot 3 or 4? Aye, he's a wee wee bit aulder than that, ken, they dinnae call me Honest Jim for nothin', so ahm bein up front wi' yeh, noo, ah cannie say ah ken just hoo auld he is, so ah'll gie ye a discoont, noo, as ye'll have seen, ahm normally lookin fir aboot 10 monkeys, bit ah'll tell ye what, 3 grand, hoos aboot that? Tell ye whit, fir the dosh, ah'll even mak sure he's got aw his papers an that, so you can drive awa wi him the night"

 

Finally, Jolie thought, a word she recognised.  £3,000 was pretty cheap she had to admit, being honest, she'd had meals which cost more, so 'hey, what the hell, nothing ventured, nothing gained'.  She summoned her assistant got the money, and handed over her signed contract. Jim's eyes lit up when he saw them.  "Ken, it's a braw thing yer doin' here doll, taking a poor we mite, and givin' him a better life. If only there wiz mare like you.  Right, 10pm the night, car park at the House of Sher"

 

"Oh, wow, I didn't know Cher had a place in Glasgow" said Jolie.  Jim looked confused. "Aye, nae bother doll, this is the address, back car park, ah'll be in a black Ford Sierra, ah'll be the only other yin in there."

 

They shook hands.  The deal was done.