Pope Shug - Part 1

As vaguely promised, the first part of my work in progress, Pope Shug.  I will warn people now - there is crudity, very bad language and terrible writing to be found in this - if you are easily offended by profanity, blasphemy or lack of writing ability, I suggest you skip this...

PART 1

The Holy Father, Supreme Pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI has just shed his mortal coil.  Following the funeral, the eligible cardinals are locked in conclave, following the ancient protocols to elect the late Pope's successor.

The conclave is now in it's second day, the first several ballots failing to elect a new pope.  The cardinals have taken time to pray, and to covertly discuss with their colleagues, the deadlock currently being experienced.  The two front runners, Chilean Cardinal Jorge Estevez and Italian Cardinal Renato Martino were neck and neck, and given the enmity between the two camps, tensions in the conclave were rising – neither side wanted the other to win! 

The cardinals who were in neither the Estivez nor Martino camp were also getting frustrated. One of their number suggested “why not register a protest vote, someone who we cannot possibly think would realistically be pope, but whose appearance on the ballot will hopefully shock the rest into working something out?”  One of the other cardinals countered “but, all the cardinals in this conclave, ultimately are good and pious men”

And so, the stalemate continued.  After the 33^rd vote had failed to present a pope, the neutrals again spoke, and it was repeated that what was needed was to make a protest vote to try and spur things along.

Then Cardinal O'Brien, the Scottish Cardinal spoke. “There is nothing in the rules of conclave which say that the nominee must be a cardinal, merely that they are ordained as one before taking the papal throne. I know of a priest in my archbishopric, a man called to God from the shipyards, a good man, but so rough with his tongue, I sometimes find it hard to believe that he is truly a man of God... He is crude, uncouth, but he is, as they say, a man of his people. When his name appears on the ballot, then the others must decide that action is to be taken”

And so it came to pass that the name of Father Hugh 'Shug' McGinty was entered onto the voting slips of those cardinals not in either camp.  However, there was one crucial fact which had not entered the mind of Cardinal O'Brien. Pope John Paul II had changed the rules of conclave, so that after the 33^rd vote, all that was needed to appoint the pope was a simple majority, rather than the 67% of the vote needed under normal circumstances.  Crucially, both Estivez and Martino both had 28 staunch supporters, who, despite intense lobbying, were unable to persuade the cardinals not in their camp.  Word was spread of the plan to have a protest vote, which all the un-decided cardinals agreed to. As there were the maximum of 120 cardinals in conclave, this meant that once Estivez and Martino, and their followers, had cast their vote, there were 62 votes available. One cardinal voted for Martino, giving him a total of 30 votes.  The remaining cardinals all followed the lead of Cardinal O'Brien, and voted for Father Shug.

The scrutineers and electors carried out the task alloted to them, and then, after much deliberation which caused some consternation amongst the assembled conclave, raised to read their results.

“Cardinals, this is the 34^th ballot. In line with the reforms to conclave law passed by the Venerable John Paul II, a 2/3rds majority is no longer required, any person with an overall majority of votes will be crowned.  I will read out the results of the ballot.

Cardinal Estivez – 29 votes

Cardinal Martino – 30 votes

Father McGinty – 61 votes.

Under the rules of the conclave, delivered by God's messanger on earth, the Venerable Holy Father, I declare that Father McGinty is pronounced Supreme Pontiff, and Pope, subject to his elevation to the position of Cardinal”

The conclave was in uproar, but no matter how they tried to get the result rescinded, they found that the rules were explicit – Father Shug was now pope! The matter of his elevation to Cardinal was, but precedent, a foregone conclusion, no Cardinal would dare interfere with the will of God in such a manner!

And so, the next day, Father Shug was summoned to the Vatican. In his home, reading something a bit less holy than the Bible (it was in fact, a copy of the Sporting Times), the Father's phone went.

“Shug here” he said, before listening to the caller who identified himself as Cardinal Camerlengo, in charge of the Vatican until the investiture of the new pope.  Then the Camerlengo finished Shug was silent for a while.  Then, the new Pope said “Pish, you are pullin' mah tadger. Is that you Tam, ah've telt you afore, just cause ahm a priest, disnae mean ah cannae boot the pish right oot of ye!”

The Camerlengo, who had been told to expect such a response, stated that Cardinal O'Brien was, at this very time, waiting outside with a car, ready to transport the new pope back to the Vatican for his elevation to first Cardinal, and then, Pope.

Still disbelieving, Shug walked outside, to be confronted by the sight of Cardinal O'Brien, just as the Camerlengo said.  “Fuck me” said Shug, which was somewhat un-popely!