... that trying to write a blog entry whilst being very tired is probably not the best idea in the world! I re-read the entry I posted last night, and I have to say, it's terrible!! So, whilst I want to keep the message, I would rather it was more effectively worded, so I will re-write it, then delete the original entry.
So, are we ready for Memoirs of an Unsound Mind, V2.0!
Approximately 25% of the population of the UK (according to the stats on www.mentalhealth.co.uk) suffer from, or have suffered from, some form of depression. I am one of them. It's not something I'm ashamed of, it's not something I feel I need to hide, but I am very aware that I am in the minority when it comes to mental health issues.
I know a lot of people feel uncomfortable with the thought of talking about, or indeed, reading about mental health issues. So, if you want to stop reading here, that's ok, I'm not going to be offended, mostly because it's not like I'm ever going to know!
There is still a huge stigma attached to mental health. Too many people automatically equate mental health with insanity. They equate depression with craziness. I may seem a bit crazy sometimes, but I'm really not. In the grand scheme of things, I get off pretty lightly. Sure, my depression sometimes manifests itself in negative ways (of which more later), but compared to those whose whole lives are consumed by mental illness, those whose depression drives them to take the ultimate sanction, I can't complain. I still do complain, but I guess I have no real right to.
So, how does my depression effect me? There are a number of ways I find myself being effected, both in terms of how I deal with myself, and how I deal with others. From an internal viewpoint, it's one of the main drivers behind my low self esteem (those who know me know I'm always making fun of myself, but hey, at least I can do it in a humerous way!), and it makes me assume the worst about some situations. To give an example, if I text someone, and I don't get a reply, I automatically assume that I've annoyed them or done something which makes them not want to reply. I then send another text, usually long and rambling, basically trying to say that if I've upset them etc, how sorry I am. Then, usually within 5 minutes of sending the damn thing, I read it back and realise that it's nonsensical, and if I am being honest, is more likely to make things worse, than better! So, I will take this opportunity to publicly apologise to anyone and everyone who has ever received such a text from me.
I could go on about the other ways my depression effects me, the lethargy, the lack of interest in pretty much anything, the mood swings, but, that's not why I decided to make this blog about something so personal. I decided to go down this route in the hope that someone, anyone, who is struggling with the fireworks which are going off in their head may read this and think 'that sounds familiar' maybe I should talk to someone'. I also want to make people think of their friends. Worried your friend might be struggling with depression? Talk to them, before it's too late. I soldiered on with my mental health issues until someone essentially held a kind of intervention for me, and made me go to visit the doctor. I fought against it, I'm not going to lie, but eventually I relented and got help.
Like most depressives, my mood isn't always low, it's a cyclical thing. At the moment I'm a the bottom of a downswing, whch I think makes it an ideal time to talk about mental health, hopefully giving people some kind of understanding of what depression can do. Making people understand that it may make someone act a bit out of character, and hopefully my candour will make people stop and think about depression in a different way. I'm not looking for sympathy, the point of this isn't to make people go "aww, poor thing", the point is to make people stop and think, so hopefully they can go "ahhh, so that's why he did that, it makes a bit more sense now". When depression has you in it's claws, it makes you do things that you probably wouldn't normally do. Eventually though, the pendulum swings back upward, which means I have to spend time re-building any bridges which were, if not burned, certainly scorched during the downswing.
Part of this entry is to allow me to say to everyone who has been on the receiving end of my odd behaviour during my bad periods, I am sorry. I am sometimes a bad friend, I am sometimes a bit too 'full on', sometimes I'm a grade 'A' pain in the ass. One positive of writing this is that it has made me think more fully about how my depression effects my behaviour, and how that behaviour effects others. I know I've upset or annoyed people recently, some more than others, one more than most. I always fear that the realisation that I am walking down the dark, destructive road comes too late, and I fracture a relationship with someone else beyond repair. My friends are forgiving of my moods, but like all, I am sure even their patience has it's limits.
I am quite open about my life as someone who has an ongoing and uneasy relationship with the depression. I am happy to answer any questions anyone may have, they will always get an honest answer. I hope that reading this has made people understand me a bit better, and has in some small way reduced the stigma of mental health issues. I have depression, but I'm not going to be defined by it. It is one facet of my life, one which has had the prominent role in the past couple of weeks, certainly, but it is not the be all and end all of me.
So, I know some of this may have made for uncomfortable reading. I'm not going to lie, some of it was uncomfortable to write. Did I write it to help myself, or to help others. Maybe a bit of both, more the former than the latter, if I am being honest.
Thanks for reading,
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